March 4, 2018

Connor: “I made a wish for my birthday!”

Me: “Don’t tell anyone or it won’t come true!”

Connor: “But I want to tell you…I wished for a baby brother or sister!”

Me: “Yeah I don’t know about that you better think of something else…”

July 7, 2018

Little did we know that Connor’s wish would come true.

Sorry I’ve been so low-key lately, but we’ve had a lot going on.  Especially the past couple of weeks.  I haven’t been feeling good…I even told my boss that I made an appointment to see the Doctor because I wasn’t feeling like myself.  Little did I know I was over 9 weeks pregnant.

We weren’t trying for another baby.  As far as I was concerned this shop was shut down with a permanent closed sign. So, when the symptoms appeared I didn’t really take notice other than I wasn’t feeling myself.  The week before last Connor and I went to visit family in Arkansas and I was feeling okay on the way up there.  I was nauseous and definitely wasn’t hitting up Starbucks every other exit.  That should have been a sign right there!  When I was pregnant with Connor I hated coffee….I know right?

We got to my sister’s house and then went to visit my Mom the next day.  After lunch I wasn’t feeling well but brushed it off.  When we got back to my sister’s house I asked if she had any spare pregnancy tests lying around.  She went and got me one and it turned positive right after I took it.  Then the freak out session began…lol!  I kept saying I’m too old for this…I had no idea…how did this happen???  But then I started puzzling together everything and it all made sense.

I promise I will recap our Europe vacay…I can’t believe I was pregnant during that time and had NO IDEA???  I was feeling “odd” but again brushed it off.  I had taken two pregnancy tests in May just to be sure and they were both negative.

So I was basically a blob on my sisters sofa for the rest of the week.  She and Vinny were so good to me even though I was a lump of coal.  I had dinner with my parents and Grandma that night and I told them to just pray that everything was okay because I was still in shock.  My sister had a sweet friend who is an ultrasound tech and she offered to do a sonogram the next day.  We got to see the baby and I was measuring between 8-9 weeks.  There was a heartbeat, but she did have a hard time finding it…

So we carried on and went to have lunch with our friend Stephanie at one of my favorite restaurants called Ya Ya’s.  I was really craving that pasta in a cheese wheel! Then I got sooooo sick and threw up in front of the Apple store before we got into the restaurant.  Good times.  Bonnie and I turned around and went back home where I tried to pull myself together and rest.  I threw up a couple more times that night…and then the next day all of a sudden my appetite was back???  I just figured it was God’s answer to my prayers and was incredibly thankful for the tomato sandwich with Nannie’s tomatoes 🙂

Fast forward to this past Thursday and I had an ultrasound here locally.  My good friend Somer recommended a great OBGYN and I just love her.  She is wonderful!  We decided not to tell Connor until I knew for sure everything was okay.  So I was going to go back first and Connor and Terence waited in the waiting room until they called them.

You know after the shock wears off and you just sort of except it I was doing okay.  I never expected to hear the words “I can’t find a heartbeat”.

I asked again and again…and she kept checking, but I could tell from this ultrasound and the other one I had that the baby was not alive anymore.  They called Terence back and we told him.  The baby stopped growing around 9.5 weeks.  I was just trying not to ugly cry in front of everyone until we got out to the car.  We told Connor on our way home and he was so sad….my sweet boy.  His face.  I don’t think he comprehends everything, but he was visibly upset.  We all just sat there in shock and tried to come to terms with the situation.

Yesterday I had a D&C and they removed everything.  Today I feel empty, but I know God is in control of every situation.  We all have hills and valleys.  I’m still sort of in shock and my hormones are all over the place.  There’s a reason why everything happens.  Of course I start thinking back over the past few months and wonder if I did anything wrong???  Did I do something to hurt the baby…could it have been my fault?  The Doctor said at this stage it was most like a genetic issue.  I’m still so heartbroken, but also even that much more thankful for my beautiful family and this life.  It truly is a gift none of us are worthy of.  God is the only reason ANY of us are in the first place.

I’m feeling better today…broken…but better.  I want to go do something fun with my Connor boy to lift his spirits.  Thank you all for your kind comments and word of encouragement on my post here. I read every single on and so many have been through a similar situation.

-On another note…

We had a wonderful visit home despite everything that happened.  Connor and I got to drive in style in a 2018 Mitsubishi Outlander GT.  It was super roomy and I had a third row seat that we used several times.  We fit me, my sister, Vinny, Connor, Jarrett, and Ella in her car seat all in this SUV.

Room for all the suitcases.  The perfect road trip SUV.  My next car is definitely going to be an SUV y’all…

Optional third row seating 🙂

The best conversations and singing at the top of our lungs on road trips!

My precious family.  

 

Thank you for following…thank you for reading our little story…and thank you for all the love.  xo Becky